Student-Parent Agreements

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on August 12, 2015.

Congratulations, you’re off to college! But before you go, consider making some deals with your parents about how you’ll relate to each other now that you’re leaving home. 

Sometime in August or September you’ll start your college adventure. Freedom and new friends beckon. But to help your transition go as smoothly as possible, it’s a good idea to make some agreements with your parents before you go. Trust me, it is way easier to negotiate with your folks face to face than it will be from college. It’s even worth putting your agreements in writing and having you and your parents both sign the document.

Here are key areas you might want to look at:

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Communication

How often will you talk to your parents and by what method?

This is an area where your desires and the needs of your parents could differ greatly. You already have some system established that you used throughout high school. Perhaps you text each other multiple times a day. Your mom or dad might think this is going to remain the pattern, but you might think it will be different once you are away from home. There is no right or wrong, but getting your expectations aligned is important.

Whether it’s a weekly Skype call or a check-in phone call, it’s important to strike a deal on what works for both parties. 

Note to parents: While you should definitely communicate with your child, it is not appropriate for you to communicate with his or her roommate or professors. Avoid all temptation to advocate or rescue your child from tough situations.

Money

Who is paying for what? At this point you and your parents have a clear understanding about how your tuition and living expenses are being handled, but part of that estimated total cost of attendance was for transportation, books, laundry, pizza and movie money. Are your parents giving you a monthly allowance for living expenses, or must you pay those out of pocket? If you had a summer job, were you expected to save that money for college? Who is buying books (which can range in price from $1,000 per term to far less if you shop early and buy used)? Who is buying the plane ticket for you to come home at winter or spring break (and which party is making the reservation)?

Some parents also set minimum academic standards that their student must achieve in order for the parents to keep paying for college. If that is the case, be sure those standards have been clearly spelled out. 

Note to parents: You may not receive the bill for college. That sometimes comes directly to your child. If you are paying, make sure that your child is passing you the bill in a timely manner so that you don’t incur late charges. 

Grades

Surprise! Your parents won’t get a copy of your grades. You are considered an adult and responsible for your education, so they only come to you. Many parents want to see your grades each term. Since college is harder than high school, it is entirely possible that your grades won’t be the same as what you are accustomed to.

It’s a good idea to agree in advance on some minimum standards and the consequence that will occur if you don’t meet them. 

Note to parents: If you want to get information directly from the college about your son or daughter, they will need to sign a FERPA Release.

Health

It’s your parents’ job to worry about you, and it is scary for them if you are sick and not close enough for them to provide some chicken soup or chamomile tea. 

Note to parents: If you want access to medical records and to be able to speak to your son/daughter’s doctor, they have to sign a HIPPA Authorization Form. and an Advance Care Directive for Health Care, which allows you to make some medical decisions on behalf of your son or daughter should they be unable to do so on their own.

Home for the Holidays and Summer

You might come home from school with mixed feelings—excited to see family and friends, and also wary of giving up the independence you feel while at school. Perhaps at college you choose to stay up till 3 a.m. and sleep until noon, but at home your parents are not OK with that schedule. At college you never have to tell someone where you are going, but back home your parents might expect you to let them know. 

It’s worth making a written agreement about the expectations. 

Note to parents: Remember, you need to give your student more freedom than he or she had during high school. Also, you may only get your child back home for one summer (the one between freshman and sophomore years) because the other summers may be filled with on-campus research opportunities or internships or study away, so don’t let your potentially last summer in one household be filled with tension. 

Note to students: You cannot treat your parents as if they are your roommate or running a free hotel service. Everyone needs to compromise.

Working out these details may not seem fun, but it’s a good idea to do it now, before you leave. That will help you avoid arguments and devote your attention during your initial weeks at college to the important things: personalizing your dorm room and making friends.