Social Media Tune-Up

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on September 30, 2015.

Why tune-up your social media accounts?

Sometimes, colleges you’ve applied to will want to get a feeling for how you behave outside of your academic life, and will turn to your online presence for answers. This is a good thing! It means you have another opportunity to make a positive impact on your application. Social media is a great way to back up any claims about yourself, your interests, and your activities that you make in your application. However, social media can also be damaging to your application if your posts and tweets make admissions officers uneasy. According to research by Cornerstone Reputation, in the 2013-14 application year 40% of admissions officers and 83% of college sports coaches searched applicants online. Your online presence can have a big impact—either positive or negative.

All Social Media

Regardless of what social media platform you use, keep the following in mind as you tune up your accounts and profiles:

Do not post any pictures or text posts that you wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving on an admissions officer’s desk. Remove any posts/pictures you’re unsure about. See the list of suggestions at the end of this document to help you start cleaning up your profiles.

Unfriend and block people who post things that you don’t want showing up on your wall. This is very important, since while you can control what you post, you can’t always anticipate what your friends will post.

Avoid inflammatory topics like religion, drugs/alcohol, politics, and sex. An exception might be if you’re involved in an advocacy group that addresses these issues or an organization like JSA, in which case keep the posts you make as focused on your activity in the group as possible rather than the ideology or issue your group is involved in.

Like/friend/follow pages and profiles of people, companies, organizations, and interest groups that you mentioned in your application or that fall into line with the things you said you’re passionate about. If you claim that you’re a space fanatic and a school sees that you haven’t “liked” NASA there’s going to be a disconnect, and if you write an essay about playing Magic with your friends, you should at least follow Wizards of the Coast on Twitter!

Repost and retweet material from the pages and profiles that you liked/friended/followed. For example, you could occasionally retweet a post from the World Wildlife Fund twitter feed if you’re passionate about conservation efforts.

Post about the interesting things that you do outside of school: pictures of you doing things like rock climbing, attending a school musical, or participating in a club fundraiser help give you multidimensional, human aspects that help college admissions officers imagine you in their campus communities.

Facebook

Your privacy settings can be found by clicking on the lock icon next to the notifications globe icon and clicking “see more settings.” The following are suggestions for a few of your privacy settings:

-Set your privacy settings that only friends can see your future posts. If you’ve liked and friended the pages and profiles of colleges you’ve applied to, they will be able to see your posts but you still maintain some privacy.

-Under “Privacy,” click “Use Activity Log” and review the posts and photos you’ve been tagged in and un-tag yourself when necessary. Oftentimes the most compromising material on your Facebook profile is posted by friends.

-Under “Timeline and Tagging,” make sure that you have selected to review posts your friends tag you in, and only allow friends to post on your timeline.

-Under “Timeline and Tagging,” turn on the setting that allows you to review tags that others add to your posts before they appear on Facebook.

Consider blocking or unfriending people that frequently post things to your timeline you don’t want there for the college admissions process.

Find the public pages and profiles of colleges you’re applying to and like/friend them.  

When you’re all done, go to “Timeline and Tagging Settings” and click “View As” under “Who can see things on my timeline?” You’ll be able to look at your profile to the public. Oftentimes text posts will be invisible but profile pictures and banner pictures will be public, as well as any comments made on them.

Twitter

-Click on the icon of your profile picture in the top right corner, then “Settings” > “Security and Privacy.” You can choose to toggle the “Protect My Tweets” box on if you want people to need pre-approval to view your tweets, however this is not recommended. Your Twitter profile, when properly maintained, can help you if college admissions officers can view your tweets.

-Follow the accounts of schools you’re applying to and public figures, organizations, and interest groups that you’re passionate about. For instance, if you expressed an interest in political science in your application, you should probably follow the @POTUS Twitter and those of your senators and congressmen.

-Occasionally retweet posts from the feeds you followed in the last step.

-Double check your posts and pictures as well as those you’ve been tagged in to make sure that they’re appropriate.

-If your Twitter handle is inappropriate or unprofessional, consider changing it.

Instagram

-You don’t need to make your posts private, but if you do leave your Instagram profile public, you need to make sure that the pictures you have posted aren’t compromising in any way.

-Take a glance at your username and decide whether or not it might be inappropriate and needs to be changed. If so, go to “Options” > “Edit Profile” and change your username there.

-Follow the accounts of schools you’re applying to and public figures, organizations, and interest groups that you’re passionate about and like their posts.

LinkedIn

If you haven’t already made a LinkedIn profile, it’s a great time to start building your profile. LinkedIn is a social media platform where you post information on your work experience, education, and skills and form an online professional network. Use information from your resume to fill out your LinkedIn profile as completely and accurately as you can. Think of it as needing to be of the caliber you’d expect from an application, and this includes choosing an appropriate and professional-looking profile picture.

Other Social Media (Pinterest, Snapchat, etc.)

Follow the spirit of the guidelines posted for other social media sites: you don’t need to make your profile completely private, but make sure that your posts and pictures aren’t compromising and that what you do post either enhances your application or paints you in a favorable light.

Social Media Cleanup Checklist

Some things are just never okay to have on your profile while you’re applying to college. The following list of not-acceptable posts is just a starting point for cleaning up your social media profiles:

-Swimsuit pictures – even if you think your picture is innocent or inoffensive, they could still give admissions officers the wrong idea

-Pictures with solo cups/containers that could contain alcohol – even if you’re just drinking soda out of a solo cup or dark glass bottle, a college admissions officer doesn’t know that and might assume you’re consuming alcohol

-Pictures/posts with/about alcohol or drug use

-Pictures of you in revealing clothing or positions that might be considered sexual or obscene

-Pictures of you making facial expressions or gestures that might be considered sexual or obscene

-Pictures of you at parties/posts about parties – even though they might not explicitly contain references to alcohol, parties and alcohol consumption often go hand in hand

-Posts that contain profanity

-Posts that contain reference to inflammatory topics like religion, sex, politics, and substances

-Posts in which you are complaining or being excessively negative

-Posts/pictures that show/imply you’ve been involved in illegal activity

-Posts where you attack or cut down others

-Posts containing hate speech, racism, sexism, or other socially inappropriate comments

-Posts by your friends that contain any of the above

Elise Cutts is a freshman at CalTech. A graduate of Sunset High School in Beaverton, Elise founded PEG (Physics and Engineering for Girls). She plans to become an astrophysicist and science fiction writer.

Common Application Prompt #5

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on September 23, 2015.

The intention of this series is to show readers a sample of a good essay in response to each of the Common Application prompts. This essay is an actual college admission essay, written and submitted by a real student. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective.

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

“Ew, what stinks?” Audrey screams.

My eyes comb through the thick foliage until they fall on a decomposing deer carcass replete with maggots and eager turkey vultures. I can’t believe my luck.

“Wow! Let’s go examine it. Who remembers what we learned about decomposers?” I ask the group, excitement evident in my voice.

When the screaming starts, I realize that I should have saved the carcass exploration for my afternoon group. I look back at Audrey, a scrawny eleven-year-old with Asperger’s Syndrome. She is prone in the grass, shrieking as though she is being tortured.

I run back to her. “Hey, don’t worry, you can take a pass on the deer. I’ll draw you a cartoon mock-up so you can still learn some sweet facts and impress your classroom teacher.” The howling doesn't even waver. Okay, new strategy.

“Guess what? We’re having mac n’ cheese for lunch and chocolate chip cookies for dessert, and at soil field study this afternoon you will make some awesome face paint.” Still nothing.

“Audrey, we’re going to play a game called predator-prey right over here. Feel free to join us when you’re ready.” Ten minutes later, Audrey stumbles over to us, her tantrum finished, but our time together just beginning. She is going to be one of the ten sixth-grade girls staying in my cabin.

It’s 6:25am the next morning. Soon I will wake up my students, but for five minutes I marvel at where I am. For one week each semester, I leave my friends, family, and technology at home and travel, with my rain boots and smile in tow, to Outdoor School, home of the freshest air in the world. Every sixth grader in Oregon is gifted six days here to experience the outdoors while learning hands-on science. For these weeks, I become Piña, and my job is to be a role model, science teacher and friend to 200 sixth graders out in the forest. My alarm clock beeps; it’s 6:30.

“I’m alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, whoo!” I sing to wake up my cabin.

Nine groggy girls zip out of sleeping bags while one remains in bed, seemingly lifeless.

“Audrey, it’s time to wake up. We are having field day this afternoon, and tonight at campfire we are performing our skit, but before we can have any of that fun I need you to get out of bed.” I know she can hear me, but she remains barricaded in her sleeping bag. I recall the conversation I had with my supervisor the night before.

(“I have a recalcitrant girl in my cabin who is impulsive and doesn’t follow instructions. Strategies like ‘I need’ statements and distractions aren’t working on her, so I would love some suggestions of new techniques.")

My supervisor suggested I try incentives, so I couple, “If you get up within five seconds, you can sleep five extra minutes tomorrow morning” with a personalized Audrey wake-up song and, to my delight, it works.  Audrey is out of bed. She refuses to get dressed, but she’s out of bed.

For the next five days, I spend all of my free time thinking up new ways to engage Audrey without triggering a melt-down. It’s a painful, yet effective trial-and-error process. Letting her draw how she’s feeling, for example, calms her down, but playing the human knot game with her cabinmates results in spinning and screaming. She drains every ounce of my energy, but I’m left feeling happily exhausted after we work through each of her lows and surprisingly refreshed after celebrating each of her highs.

Right before the students board the school bus home, Audrey runs up to me. "When I'm old like you, I'm coming back here to teach science. I think I'll be great." (Eli, Minerva Schools at KGI, Class of 2019)

Conor’s feedback: This essay shows a good deal of the author's personality and voice as she recounts her many attempts (some successful, even more unsuccessful) to be a good leader and role model for her young campers. She comes across as determined, caring, humble, and even a bit funny, all great qualities that colleges value.

Anna’s feedback: An accomplishment doesn’t need to be an award or a HUGE LIFE EVENT. We know you are just 17 or 18 years old; it’s OK that you haven’t cured cancer (yet). This essay shows an impactful moment for this student and it works. I see a young woman who loves science, is compassionate, and enjoys working with a wide variety of people.

Jodi’s feedback: Wow! This student took her grown-up role very seriously. She cared a lot about connecting with every child and rose to the formidable challenges she faced. She will adapt well to any situation, which is especially useful since she chose a college that will include living in seven countries over her four undergraduate years.

Conor O’Rourke is Senior Assistant Dean of Admission at Pomona College, which is also his alma mater. Contact Conor at: conor.orourke@pomona.edu

Anna Aegerter is the Director of West Coast Admission for Sarah Lawrence College. In her twenty year career, Anna has worked at Lewis & Clark College (her alma mater), Trinity University (TX), Lawrence University, and Pitzer College. She also was the Director of College Counseling for an independent school in Seattle before returning to Admission to work at Sarah Lawrence College. Contact her at: aaegerter@sarahlawrence.edu

Common Application Prompt #4

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on September 16, 2015.

The intention of this series is to show readers a sample of a good essay in response to each of the Common Application prompts. This essay is an actual college admission essay, written and submitted by a real student. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective.

Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

My mouth waters as I stare at the colorful concoctions in the glass case before me. I was born and raised in Portland, so Voodoo Doughnut is practically woven into my DNA. The trays display Fruit Loops on frosting, bacon on maple, and an inappropriately shaped, cream-filled chocolate bar. It took me and my friends thirty minutes to get in the door, and it was worth it. I purchase a chocolate doughnut covered with chocolate glaze and Coco Puffs. It’s still warm, and it smells like Christmas morning. My friends and I leave the shop in high spirits as we walk back to our car. As we pass under a bridge, I hear a shuffle coming from the far side of the sidewalk. I turn to see a man huddled in a worn jacket, trying desperately to keep warm in the Oregon chill. I stop in my tracks and look down at my wonderful sugar-coated pastry. My friends urge me along, nervous on the city streets at night. I hurry to join them, but not before turning and giving the homeless man my doughnut. His smile is better than Coco Puffs. As I hop in the car, empty-handed, my friends laugh at me. I can’t help but laugh with them. Despite dozens of trips to Voodoo over the years, I have only once actually eaten one of their doughnuts. I have repeatedly seen a simple doughnut bring some joy to a joyless situation. I start brainstorming.

Two weeks later, fourteen high-schoolers from my church and I pile into two cars at 1:30am and drive to Portland. High-schoolers like us are typically broke. We can’t afford to give everyone on the streets of Portland a full meal, or even a few dollars. Thankfully, every night at 2:00am, the workers of Voodoo Doughnut fill five-gallon buckets with leftovers and sell them for five dollars a bucket. We combine our money and purchase eight buckets of delicious, only slightly smashed, doughnuts. Armed with old blankets, coats, and a box of Dollar Tree socks and gloves, we hit the streets.

For two hours, we meet and talk with the homeless of Portland. They aren’t hard to find. Everywhere we go there is someone in need—army veterans, unemployed women, and teens no older than me. I can’t build them a house or get them a job, but I have doughnuts and socks, and that seems good enough for now. One man gives each of us a hug and almost cries after we give him a bacon-maple bar and a new coat. He dubs us the Bucket and Blanket Brigade. The name sticks.

Now, every month or so, I gather the brigade (that is, anyone crazy enough to come with me at two in the morning), and we set out on another mission. When I see people travel to third-world countries or donate thousands of dollars to charity, I admire their work. But my heart is for the suffering and homeless in my own city. They are my social responsibility. I cannot give them a car, or a place to stay, or a better life. But I can give them a blanket and my time and the closest thing to heaven I can think of—a Voodoo doughnut. (Stephanie, Occidental College, Class of 2019)

Conor’s feedback: This student is wise enough to recognize the limits of her ability to help others in need and doesn't try to overstate or overvalue the impact of her goodwill.  

Anna’s feedback: With one whiff of doughnuts at Voodoo’s, I am transported with Stephanie as she “sets out on her mission”. She paints a picture from the very start to draw me in. But more importantly, she tells a story of serving others but doesn’t fall into the easy cliché of pity or a naïve “I can save the world” attitude.

Jodi’s feedback: Wow! This student is both caring and practical. She takes a real and serious problem, does what she can, and convinces others to be part of the solution. She will be a huge asset to the college community.

Conor O’Rourke is Senior Assistant Dean of Admission at Pomona College, which is also his alma mater. Contact Conor at: conor.orourke@pomona.edu

Anna Aegerter is the Director of West Coast Admission for Sarah Lawrence College In her twenty year career, Anna has worked at Lewis & Clark College (her alma mater), Trinity University (TX), Lawrence University, and Pitzer College. She also was the Director of College Counseling for an independent school in Seattle before returning to Admission to work at Sarah Lawrence College. Contact her at: aaegerter@sarahlawrence.edu

Common Application Prompt #3

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on Spetember 9, 2015.

This is an actual college application essay written in response to the Common Application prompt: Challenge a Belief. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective. 

The intention of this series is to show readers a sample of a good essay in response to each of the Common Application prompts. This essay is an actual college admission essay, written and submitted by a real student. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective.

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea.  What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

“My doodlebot isn’t working, Miss!” A little hand pokes at my shoulder, drawing my attention away from the motor that I’m currently attempting to liberate from its six-layered prison of lime-green duct tape. 

“What’s up, Arely?”  I stand up, handing the sticky-yet-now-probably-functional motor to another girl before following Arely’s yellow hard hat through the sea of fifth graders to her table. Arely is one thirty girls who got their hard hats this year at my fledgling outreach program, Physics and Engineering for Girls. After what was—perhaps pathetically—an earth-shattering realization that being angry and complaining about the lack of women in STEM does not actually get more women into STEM, I decided to spend my anger points on something other than words and started the program in my district. If strong emotions are the currency of action, I think PEG is a good investment.

 We arrive at a table covered in what used to be white butcher paper but is now a leprechaun’s experiment in abstract art: loops and circles and lines and squiggles in every color of the Crayola washable rainbow. Arely sighs and flops down in a plastic chair that’s three grade levels too small for her before presenting her problem robot. At first glance, Arely’s doodlebot is perfect—a Dixie cup with four markers poking out the bottom mixed up in a jumble of wires with a small motor perched precariously in a nest of duct tape above a nine-volt battery. At second glance, it looks exactly the same way: perfect. Except for one important detail. 

 “It keeps falling over.” Arely explains. “Why doesn’t it draw like theirs?” She points at the other girls’ bots, which are currently buzzing and humming as they leave unique Technicolor trails of doodle in their wakes. The variations in design stem from PEG’s intentionally vague instructions. Their Dixie cup drawing machines sport designs varying from the popular dorsal-motor-external-battery-tri-legged model to the less common, yet inspired, battery-on-the-inside-motor-on-the-outside prototype. 

This remarkable freedom of design is part of what is so unique about my program. When the Beaverton Education Foundation adopted PEG last spring, they opted for more structured lessons, claiming that girls from low-SES and Title One schools wouldn’t have the intellectual chops to excel without step-by-step guidance. Honestly, at that point it took all of my willpower not to storm out of the room and leave their money and support, because that’s exactly the kind of preconceived notion about who can and cannot do STEM that I want to combat with PEG. (Also, my pilot school was a low-SES Title One school, and the girls did fantastically.) But I didn’t storm out of the room, and I didn’t leave the money and support the BEF is now providing. Next year, PEG will be a very different experience with more “learning targets” and “I Can” statements than intellectual wiggle-room, but I realize that instead of being angry about the perversion of my initial vision, it’s more pragmatic to accept that while the program might not be what I originally imagined, it’s still an improvement over nothing. 

Arely presents her dysfunctional doodlebot for inspection. “What’s wrong with it?” 
Smiling, I kneel to get on eye level with Arely, already having identified the device’s mechanical hamartia: a weight imbalance that arises from the positioning of the motor and battery. But what will she learn if I just tell her that? In the spirit of problem solving, I give her an answer she’ll hate, an answer she probably already knows is coming. I turn off the doodlebot and push it across the table to Arely.
“What do you think?” (Elise, CalTech, Class of 2019)

Conor’s feedback: This student would make a wonderful teacher one day and this essay really shows a wisdom and maturity in her actions that are made more impressive by contrasting them against the passionate voices and emotions she shares with the reader from her internal dialogue running throughout the essay.

Anna’s feedback: I love that this student talks about an issue that concerned her and took action. She relates this concern to her own interest in STEM and makes it relevant to her college application. What takes this essay to the next level, though, is that she sandwiches this statement with a story that brings it to life. I can see care and conviction.

Jodi’s feedback: Wow! This student takes initiative. She is also amazingly mature. I admire her pragmatic decision that even a diluted version of her program is better than no program. I’d want her in my college cohort because she seems energetic, patient and results-oriented.

Anna Aegerter is the Director of West Coast Admission for Sarah Lawrence CollegeIn her twenty year career, Anna has worked at Lewis & Clark College (her alma mater), Trinity University (TX), Lawrence University, and Pitzer College. She also was the Director of College Counseling for an independent school in Seattle before returning to Admission to work at Sarah Lawrence College. Contact her at:aaegerter@sarahlawrence.edu Conor O’Rourke is Senior Assistant Dean of Admission at Pomona College, which is also his alma mater. Contact Conor at: conor.orourke@pomona.edu 

Common Application Prompt #2

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on September 3, 2015.

Common Application Prompt #2

This is an actual college application essay written in response to the Common Application prompt: Learning from Failure. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective. 

The intention of this series is to show readers a sample of a good essay in response to each of the Common Application prompts. This essay is an actual college admission essay, written and submitted by a real student. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective.

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

I open my eyes and am immediately greeted by a stinging sensation. Water fills my mouth and nose. It’s everywhere. I need out. I kick up, greedily gulping air, but another wave is crashing down on top of me. I’m underneath again, frantically searching for the surface.

I open my eyes underwater and see the blurry shapes that are my opponents. We have been crushed by this team twice now. This might make a third—the score is 2–0 at the end of the second quarter. I surface and look around at my teammates: Kayla is close to tears, Lizzy looks furious, and the others are downcast.

I have always considered myself a good swimmer, courtesy of eleven years of swimming and three years of water polo. In fact, that’s why I’m in the water now: my water polo team has decided to take our strong legs and swimming skills to the beach. But the waves have dragged us far from shore. I duck under a wave and miss the lifeguard’s warning: there is a strong rip tide building, and we’re in the middle of it. When I surface, the other girls are already swimming in, yelling at me to hurry before I get stuck. It’s too late.

My legs ache; I’m starting to get tired. I glance at the clock—34 seconds left in the quarter. “Alright,” I tell myself, “you can do this.” Julia steals the ball. This is what I need. I quickly swing my hips and sprint to the opposite goal. Opponent number 12 swims by my side; I speed up and cut her off. The whistle tells me I have achieved my goal. She is kicked out for 20 seconds; my team is up one player.

I remember what my father told me about rip tides: swim parallel to the shore. I swim to the left, but I soon realize that I am not moving at all. I try to scream for help and cannot. My throat constricts. I think I am having an asthma attack. I force myself to calm down, comforting myself with this knowledge: I play a sport where I have to tread water for over an hour. I motion for help and duck the waves, pretending that this is just a game. The lifeguard notices my struggle and approaches.

I race down the pool, yelling, “We’re up!” This is exactly the break we need. We pass the ball around, but I realize that the other girls are afraid to shoot. I glance at the clock again—only seven seconds left now. I shift toward the shooting pocket. Kayla gets the ball, does one quick fake, and passes to me. I shoot with all the energy I have left. The buzzer sounds as the ball leaves my hand. The goalie lunges for the ball, but it skips under her arm and into the net. The stands erupt, and I see smiles return to my teammates’ faces. I have scored our first goal.

It seems to take an eternity to move, even with the lifeguard’s help. On the way back, we spot two prepubescent boys struggling against the unrelenting ocean. They are frantic, grabbing onto the first thing they can—me. I recall from my lifeguard training that they are likely too panicked to realize that they need to hang onto the buoy. While the lifeguard focuses on kicking us to shore, I yell instructions at the two boys, forcing them off of me and onto the buoy. Eventually they grab hold and help kick. We finally make it to the sand—exhausted, but alive.

Back at the wall, the sounds of heavy breathing and lapping water are accompanied by congratulatory remarks and smiles. The momentum is shifting, and the team is eager to get back into the game and show everyone that we are alive. (Colleen, Gonzaga University, Class of 2019)

Conor’s feedback: I like the contrast in this essay between a very real life, very dangerous situation with a much more safe, and commonplace one. Both are tied together by her experience as a swimmer, yet showcase a stark difference in her response given the relative stakes of each situation. Reading the two side by side really allows her message regarding the human response to fear to feel very poignant and self-reflective.

Anna’s feedback: This student talks about her tenacity through another lens – and passion – which gives depth to the essay. You don’t have to start an essay with “I am tenacious…” or “I have persevered…” to talk about a challenge and this student does this beautifully. 

Jodi’s feedback: Wow! This student is really determined. She never gives up and that trait will serve her well in college. I like the way she took two stories that dealt with swimming and recovery from failure and told them in parallel.

Conor O’Rourke is Senior Assistant Dean of Admission at Pomona College, which is also his alma mater. Contact Conor at: conor.orourke@pomona.edu 

Common Application Prompt #1

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on August 27, 2015.

Common Application Prompt #1

This is an actual college application essay written in response to the Common Application prompt: Share Your Story. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective. 

The intention of this series is to show readers a sample of a good essay in response to each of the Common Application prompts. This essay is an actual college admission essay, written and submitted by a real student. It is followed by comments from admissions professionals about what makes this personal statement effective.

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

June 2003

Armed with a shoebox, a bag of cheerios, and a box of glitter and yarn, I dash across the living room floor and over the couch. I duck into my makeshift cave—a tiny space I claimed under a scarf-roof between the wall and the lumpy backside of the couch. I dump out my supplies and get to work cutting six lopsided squares of cardboard, using my bag of cheerios for both decorating and snacking. Once yarn shapes, globs of glitter, and stacks of cheerios adorn the cardboard squares, I carefully construct a beautiful box.
A while later, I am ready and waiting with big eyes as my mom rounds the corner of the hallway. Laid out in front of me are a row of four little boxes and a sign that reads “5 sents”.

November 2006

The bell rings and the usual eruption of noise and chaos ensues as a stampede of second graders burst out the door for recess. I take a deep breath, nervously glancing down at my red folder. Mrs. Elms stands behind her desk, digging through a stack of notebooks. She smiles as I approach and asks why I'm not outside playing. Instead of answering, I proudly open my folder to present bookmarks depicting flowers, trees, butterflies, hearts and puppies. I clear my throat to deliver my eloquent sales pitch: “These are bookmarks I’m selling for free. I made them and I… I thought maybe if you liked them, you could have one.”

August 2009

Today’s business plan consists of an upside-down bulletin board resting flat on two stools, a jam jar for money, and a bean bag chair for my own comfort. Six bundles of yellow and purple wildflowers and three paper cups of blackberries sit beside a notecard that reads “$2”. A lopsided sign taped to the bulletin board boasts, “Local and fresh!”
Business is slow and my last customer is my dad. I think back wistfully to last week’s lemonade stand which raked in a hefty $12.25 after only an hour. Oh well, I muse as I pack up my stuff and eat the blackberries, at least labor was cheap. I wave at the first-grader happily picking flowers down the street.

January 2012

“What’s the difference between ionic and covalent bonds?” asks Mr. Helsel, my chemistry teacher. A hand is raised one row over and my heart jumps slightly. Gold… turn your hand. Stop moving. Aha! I can make out the word “love” in thin gold wire around Julia’s pointer finger. I feel a surge of pride. Julia Smith, the most popular girl in my grade, is wearing a ring I made. It has been a month since my handmade wire rings, at first only worn by me and my close friends, became a trend throughout my high school. Girls I have never met come up to me to ask for one, and could I possibly make a matching one for their best friend as well? 

June 2013

I walk into Tender Loving Empire, a small shop located in a trendy neighborhood in downtown Portland. Ashley, the owner, greets me with a smile, then obliges when I ask for a stock report and last month’s check. While I wait, I wander over to look at new arrivals, scanning the displays of small handmade goods such as natural soaps, little clay plots, jars of lavender and books about Oregon forestry. I give a small smile as my eyes wander to a wooden tray displaying thin wire jewelry. A small placard states the price and the label “Lightshandmade: handmade wire jewelry from Portland, Oregon”. (Enya, Chapman University, Class of 2019)

Conor’s feedback: This is a nice example of Show rather than Tell. Through timely examples dating from childhood the author balances a consistent theme of entrepreneurship while also showing us a growing sense of business acumen.

Anna’s feedback: The format of this essay – short vignettes – is a great way to demonstrate commitment and passion of her interests. She’s not just stating “I’ve been interested in art and business for a long time” but rather giving a glimpse into what this has meant during her life. I feel like I know this young woman and want to know what she plans to do next.
Jodi’s feedback: Wow! This student is really creative and entrepreneurial. I liked the writing technique that showed her maturing over time, yet staying focused on art and business. Perhaps she will use her business skills to launch a start-up with other students she meets at college.

Conor O’Rourke is Senior Assistant Dean of Admission at Pomona College, which is also his alma mater. Contact Conor at: conor.orourke@pomona.edu 

6 Tips for Writing Compelling College Application Essays

This article first appeared on GoLocalPDX.com on August 19, 2015.

The college admissions essay (also known as your personal statement) is your chance to show who you are beyond your grades and test scores.

Embrace the opportunity to give the reader a sense of your personality.

Decide what characteristics you want an admissions officer to remember before you brainstorm and choose your essay topics.

Remember, this is a personal narrative—not the sort of expository essay you write for a class assignment, and definitely not a restatement of your activities and accomplishments in paragraph format.

Tip #1: Learn by Example

Read a lot of examples of well-done college essays. You will get that chance to do so if you follow this column for the next five weeks.

Tip #2: Avoid These Overused Topics

• The Trip and/or Outward Bound (how I broadened my horizons)
• My Favorite Things (a list of fluffy things that tell you I’m nice)
• Miss America (how I will work for world peace)
• The Jock (how I learned the noble value, the great lesson)
• The Three D’s (discipline, determination, diversity)
• Tales of My Success (how I overcame adversity to win the day)
• Pet or Relative Death (how I learned to value life)
• The Autobiography (I was born at a young age).

Tip #3: Drafting Do’s

• Tell a story only you can tell
• Write in first person, present tense
• Make it a slice of life – a moment in time
• Show, rather than tell
• Provide rich sensory detail
• Use metaphors
• Be very selective with adjectives
• Get the story on paper without editing (that comes later).

Tip #4: Hook the Reader with a Good Lead

Here are a few options:

• The Anecdote (dive into the story, almost mid-stream)
• The Why? (make the reader ask the question)
• The Shocker (takes the reader off balance)
• The Curmudgeon (refutes conventional wisdom)
• The Split (there are two types of people…)
• The Confession (become the reader’s confidant)
• Stating the Obvious (that was hidden).

Tip #5: A Good Ending

• Ties to the lead – but adds a deeper insight
• Is not “moral of the story-ish”

Tip #6: Revising

• Make sure the tone sounds like you (read aloud)
• Cut weak and waffle words (clearly, somewhat, rather, kind of)
• Cut (who, what, which, that, thing)
• Cut needless restatements
• Swap lazy uses of “to be”
• Swap vague verbs - become, get, do, have
• Swap passive verbs – use active voice
• Prefer punch over perfect grammar.